Time for healing part 2

Warning: may be too graphic

We begin part 2 with me failing at my diet within two days :)  Reality...healing emotionally is very key just like the Biggest Loser show.  So this road will be rocky as I attempt to heal emotionally while attempting to stick to my already loose diet.  As I write this my wish would be that we each could literally feel each others joy and sorrows, aches and pains and so on.  It is easy to be disconnected from someones feelings when they "seem fine".  We see glimpses of each others lives and sometimes the glimpses we capture are not the most beautiful and other times what we see seems like a perfectly well person, while on the inside they are broken emotionally and physically.  That pain can come out in many ways and for most of us, the ways are not healthy.

So we will go back to childhood just to discuss eating habits.  I began my life well my mother was always good about having veggies on my plate.  Once I became a teen I would come home from school and seek out the snack food.  I did not want an apple I wanted Cheetos.  Going through teenage drama I found comfort in my snacks.  My metabolism was great and allowed me to eat a lot and not look I had.  I did develop some bulimic tendencies.  I did not do this too often.  I had seen a lot of lifetime movies where the girls would get found out and also had medical issues, often life threatening.  It was fairly easy for me to stop this routine since I never had made it habit, however the guilt from eating too much left an urge in me to return to expelling my food.  I was sick, I was proud that unlike some girls I did not have to stick my finger in my throat.  I used my mind to think of things that made me sick I knew how to contract my muscles in a way carry the act out.  This behavior stuck with me for years as an occasional way to feel better about gorging myself on all my favorite foods.

Carrying over my habits I developed as a teen I stuck with loving junk food and adding a marriage at the age of 19 and a job 45min away from my home I stuck with fatty foods and junk food.  I was still living an emotionally damaging life and continued to...in fact I am still in it now.  The eating habits I developed are still with me.  Now life has changed, I have learned a few things and I am working on me emotionally, however it is very hard to unlearn things you allowed yourself to do and believe for the majority of your life.  When I talk about my life being emotionally damaged, I am not placing all blame outward and at this point in my life I actually take the majority of the blame.   I believe at almost 37 years old I should be able to use what I have learned about boundaries and my knowledge of what this life is all about and its impact on my eternity to keep me focused.  I am thankful that God is loving and sticks with me through all my growth and my set backs as well. 

So I will flash forward to the current time and my goals in all of this.  At this point I have the plan to use www.fitday.com to keep track of my eating.  This wonderful website was shown to be by my previous Dr. when we were trying to figure out why I kept losing weight...funny that when I was gaining no one cared but flip the switch and they listen...anyway... Here I can plug in my eating and see if I am lacking vital nutrients in my diet.  I am not as concerned about calories as I am eating a well balanced meal.  I actually love spinach so a lot of my saving of calories comes in the form of spinach.  I use it raw for salads and I use a vinegar salad dressing and save some on calories there too.  Some can eat salad plain and others with less dressing... I am not there yet and for me the key to sticking to a diet is to not go too over the top right away.  I can say no to foods still in my home easier if I am finding some satisfaction in what I am eating.  Finding satisfaction in what I eat is an issue with my binge eating and it stems from being emotionally damaged.  On this journey to wellness I am also active in a Celebrate Recovery group.  http://www.celebraterecovery.com/  and I attend an awesome church with many opportunities to grow through volunteering and small groups.  I can't do counseling even Christian.  It has little impact with me due to my family and income, I cannot attend without children and with all my issues, I can't focus with them playing near by and somethings I can't talk about with little ears.  So for me the counseling comes from spending time with God in His word, prayer and just listening to that still small voice inside that tries to guide me to what is right.

• So a brief run down of my plan as of now.

• Pray and spend time meditating on His word(can be done while doing dishes even)

• Stay in recovery at CR

• Stay in small groups

• Continue to examine myself and my behavior

• Correct eating habits gradually by eating balanced meals and slowly reducing the foods I allow myself to add to the diet(reducing processed foods and eating more veggies and fruits...if I can find cotton candy grapes...which do exist...for me they help to curb cravings for sweet junk foods)

• Take vitamins as prescribed (iron for low iron, and vitamin D massive dose for 36 weeks)Take a multi-vitamin if needed to supplement

• Take coconut oil daily (extra virgin organic unrefined 2 tablespoons) has some reports showing it aids the thyroid

• Take Braggs Organic Apple Cider  Vinegar(also reports showing this to help with thyroid and many other issues)

Time for healing part 1

(clears throat) meee meemee meee meee...
Now, this is a story all about how
 my life got flipped turned upside down
and I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the queen of a town called despair ...

P.S. I renounced my throne.

For a few years now, my mental function has been declining and I can't begin to explain the difficulties in communicating with others and the amount of restraint it takes to hold it together when people say things such as; " Oh I forget things too.  I do that also.  Everyone does that.  etc" .  Maybe the worst thing is my own mind pretending to know what others think of me.  After all they must be angry with me.  I am angry with me.  I am mad at my body and mad at the things I allow my self to do and not to do.

For a recap for those just joining me on this journey.  I was diagnosed with  Malignant Melanoma when I was 7months pregnant with my youngest, that was in late July 2013.  It was still very superficial and was removed by surgery which the margins tested clear.  Since then I have had skin checks every three months to be certain there are no more spots appearing. I will soon go to skin checks every six months and then every year.  Awareness note* Melanoma is NOT just skin cancer, so far in my case it has been and I am so very thankful.  But for many warriors even ones that initially only had a superficial case, the outcome is far worse.  In today's world even babies are dying from this horrible disease.  Please use sun smarts! https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/melanoma.html

How my diagnosis of having an Acoustic Neuroma came about. I had been having the same symptoms as my mother for years.   My grandmother had been diagnosed with Meniere's disease  Due to the Meniere's she had lost all hearing in her left ear.   In 2008 I went for a work physical where my hearing was tested.  The test came back that I had hearing loss and I was told to have it checked out at my own Dr.  I felt there was no need since I probably caused it myself with all the loud noises I had been around or I simply had what my grandmother had...which I had never read up on because she seemed fine other than her hearing. The hearing loss left me with constant ringing in my ears... very frustrating and inescapable. (here is a youtube audio of the sound that is constant in my ears...sometimes it changes tone or pitch but is never ending https://youtu.be/J08v0d7Fygg  )  My mother and I both had hearing loss but opposite ears. I just assumed she and I both had what my grandma had and we were both going to be completely deaf in one ear some day.  Some years later my mom had an MRI and was diagnosed with an Acoustic Neuroma.  After my mom's diagnosis and learning what all an Acoustic Neuroma(AN) causes, I began to wonder if I should have my hearing tested and go from there.  So since I had just had Melanoma surgery while pregnant I decided to wait till after my son was born to do anything.  I then put it on a back burner for about 6 months and then I went for my hearing screening.  After having an abnormal screening I was referred to an ENT surgeon and then scheduled for MRI.  I had my MRI and got a call while at home telling me I had a 2.4cm AN.  I called my mom and told her.  I then sat dumbfounded.  Awareness note*  ANs are not passed on through genes, if they are they are part of a disease called NF2.  However my mother and I both had one, and we believe my grandmother may have too since she never had an MRI and did not have all the symptoms of Menieres.  Having nerve damage shows up different on a hearing screening than regular hearing loss.  Nerve damage is cause to see an ENT and have an MRI.  ANs are benign, but they can cause a person to have a slew of ailments and eventually cause a coma since the tumor grows and presses against the brain stem.( https://www.anausa.org/ )

So...flash forward to about a year after that diagnosis... Now everything wrong with me is due to the AN...in my mind and the neurologists mind.  Yet other ANers don't all share the same symptoms as I do and my ENT says NOT all symptoms are AN related, so who is right?   The neurologist did order a thyroid test for me.  IT came back that my TSH level was high.  My Dr. at the time prescribed a thyroid treatment.  I don't take meds lightly so I dug deeper before I took the meds and I requested deeper testing into my thyroid.  After doing an at home treatment and being retested my thyroid turned out fine upon the second testing.  At that point was not sure if it was what I had done or not, I was just thankful I didn't have to take the meds.  Sometime later I switched Dr.s and as I got worse and worse feeling and after a long winter of illness after long lasting illness I requested my new Dr. to shed some light on to why a very active 36 yr old woman feels so poorly and has a terrible time cognitively.  He ran a battery of blood tests and found Chronic Autoimmune Thyroiditis(most likely Hashimotos)  I learned that basically my thyroid is being attacked for an unknown reason. (https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000371.htm) though not listed on this website, this disease is know to cause "brain fog".

The Melanoma I am watchful against, the AN I am on watch and wait but have been told to have it removed and I have planned to have surgery when I am able. The Autoimmune Thyroiditis I am being monitored on as I take high doses of vitamin D since that was low and an iron pill since that was low too...also I am being treated for mycoplasm, a bacterial infection I got in the early spring that is sticky.  While I have not been prescribed thyroid meds I am going to re-evaluate my eating habits and that is where we meet in part 2.