Time for healing part 2

Warning: may be too graphic

We begin part 2 with me failing at my diet within two days :)  Reality...healing emotionally is very key just like the Biggest Loser show.  So this road will be rocky as I attempt to heal emotionally while attempting to stick to my already loose diet.  As I write this my wish would be that we each could literally feel each others joy and sorrows, aches and pains and so on.  It is easy to be disconnected from someones feelings when they "seem fine".  We see glimpses of each others lives and sometimes the glimpses we capture are not the most beautiful and other times what we see seems like a perfectly well person, while on the inside they are broken emotionally and physically.  That pain can come out in many ways and for most of us, the ways are not healthy.

So we will go back to childhood just to discuss eating habits.  I began my life well my mother was always good about having veggies on my plate.  Once I became a teen I would come home from school and seek out the snack food.  I did not want an apple I wanted Cheetos.  Going through teenage drama I found comfort in my snacks.  My metabolism was great and allowed me to eat a lot and not look I had.  I did develop some bulimic tendencies.  I did not do this too often.  I had seen a lot of lifetime movies where the girls would get found out and also had medical issues, often life threatening.  It was fairly easy for me to stop this routine since I never had made it habit, however the guilt from eating too much left an urge in me to return to expelling my food.  I was sick, I was proud that unlike some girls I did not have to stick my finger in my throat.  I used my mind to think of things that made me sick I knew how to contract my muscles in a way carry the act out.  This behavior stuck with me for years as an occasional way to feel better about gorging myself on all my favorite foods.

Carrying over my habits I developed as a teen I stuck with loving junk food and adding a marriage at the age of 19 and a job 45min away from my home I stuck with fatty foods and junk food.  I was still living an emotionally damaging life and continued to...in fact I am still in it now.  The eating habits I developed are still with me.  Now life has changed, I have learned a few things and I am working on me emotionally, however it is very hard to unlearn things you allowed yourself to do and believe for the majority of your life.  When I talk about my life being emotionally damaged, I am not placing all blame outward and at this point in my life I actually take the majority of the blame.   I believe at almost 37 years old I should be able to use what I have learned about boundaries and my knowledge of what this life is all about and its impact on my eternity to keep me focused.  I am thankful that God is loving and sticks with me through all my growth and my set backs as well. 

So I will flash forward to the current time and my goals in all of this.  At this point I have the plan to use www.fitday.com to keep track of my eating.  This wonderful website was shown to be by my previous Dr. when we were trying to figure out why I kept losing weight...funny that when I was gaining no one cared but flip the switch and they listen...anyway... Here I can plug in my eating and see if I am lacking vital nutrients in my diet.  I am not as concerned about calories as I am eating a well balanced meal.  I actually love spinach so a lot of my saving of calories comes in the form of spinach.  I use it raw for salads and I use a vinegar salad dressing and save some on calories there too.  Some can eat salad plain and others with less dressing... I am not there yet and for me the key to sticking to a diet is to not go too over the top right away.  I can say no to foods still in my home easier if I am finding some satisfaction in what I am eating.  Finding satisfaction in what I eat is an issue with my binge eating and it stems from being emotionally damaged.  On this journey to wellness I am also active in a Celebrate Recovery group.  http://www.celebraterecovery.com/  and I attend an awesome church with many opportunities to grow through volunteering and small groups.  I can't do counseling even Christian.  It has little impact with me due to my family and income, I cannot attend without children and with all my issues, I can't focus with them playing near by and somethings I can't talk about with little ears.  So for me the counseling comes from spending time with God in His word, prayer and just listening to that still small voice inside that tries to guide me to what is right.

• So a brief run down of my plan as of now.

• Pray and spend time meditating on His word(can be done while doing dishes even)

• Stay in recovery at CR

• Stay in small groups

• Continue to examine myself and my behavior

• Correct eating habits gradually by eating balanced meals and slowly reducing the foods I allow myself to add to the diet(reducing processed foods and eating more veggies and fruits...if I can find cotton candy grapes...which do exist...for me they help to curb cravings for sweet junk foods)

• Take vitamins as prescribed (iron for low iron, and vitamin D massive dose for 36 weeks)Take a multi-vitamin if needed to supplement

• Take coconut oil daily (extra virgin organic unrefined 2 tablespoons) has some reports showing it aids the thyroid

• Take Braggs Organic Apple Cider  Vinegar(also reports showing this to help with thyroid and many other issues)